Starter Wife?
In 2021, famous R&B singer H.E.R. wrote and performed the song, Damaged. Needless to say, it resonated with many female audiences.
One of its famous lines is, “Learn me or I’ll be a lesson”, which can be interpreted, “understand me, or you’ll experience the consequences of losing me”. We regularly hear stories of learning or gaining insight of ourselves when we experience things, even more so impactful when these insights come at the cost of ourselves or someone else.
In a recent post, The Table at 8, submitted a story about a woman who spent almost a decade in a relationship only for the relationship to end. That’s 10 years. 10. A whole age demographic, and I’m not judging. In fact, the feelings that come up when I hear or read that is that of understanding and empathy. In my early 20’s, I dated a girl for 4 years and never pulled the marriage trigger. Though the break up was amicable, it didn’t mean I wasn’t heartbroken and disappointed over so much investment.
Time is something we can never get back, it’s our most important commodity, there are no redo’s. In human development, we are on a journey of self-discovery, and God has made us that way on purpose. We can only come to know who we are in the presence of someone else. For those that isolate, or tend to hibernate, keeping relationships at a distance, you are missing out on one of the most meaningful experiences as a human being, knowing yourself.
The ending of the decade relationship wasn’t the end of the drama. The man from the relationship went on to date a girl, supposedly together for 6 months, and MADE HER HIS WIFE! 😱 6 months….that’s HALF A YEAR, PEOPLE!!! Ohhhhh, (the chisme goes hard on this story, fam)
However, this entry isn’t to talk about what was fair or unfair for either person. I desired to shed some light on a continuing tragedy, a story that lingers too far in our lives, and may be a main source of some avoidable heartbreak.
When people begin dating, we are more emotionally and relationally immature than we realize.
I say this genuinely, sincerely, and from a curious place.
The article Table 8 published online wrote the research was “suggesting some people are using long relationships as periods of identity formation, emotional practice, and avoidance of decisive commitment.”
I’d like to reframe this assertion. Essentially, they are saying that people, man or woman, are intentionally, from the jump of the relationship, are using long term relationships, using other people, to form their own identity, practice their emotions, and to wait for a better person to come along they can commit to once they are ready.
That suggestion is deceptive. That’s not what people set out to do.
At the same time, those things do end up happening after people look back at some of the bridges broken and burned through emotional baiting, sexual exploitation, and a deep lack in self-awareness. I’m not saying we need to have to have a specific level of maturity before we date, I am saying that a growing awareness of our emotional maturity and our partner’s is absolutely necessary.
Why?
Here are 3 reasons why I believe it’s necessary to be growing in this awareness:
1. During childhood, we didn’t have a consistent caretaker helping us identify, sit with (empathize) and manage our emotions.
A quick break down:
- Divorce rates are between 40%-50% // This means families are needing multiple care takers to help manage a single parent household.
- According to U.S Census data, 60% of marriages end in divorce by the 8th year. Taking a conventional and historical approach, couples try to have kids in marriage, than outside of it. Therefore, the general age of children experiencing divorce are likely between 7 – 10 years old! Those are impactful years in human development.
- A general financial trend is that couples who divorce experience a decreased in their income, and struggle in keeping up with life expenses.
2. Individuals are designed to evolve and change through relationships.
- There’s no escaping it; you will change. I will change. For most, the things that change are preferences, for some though, it can be core values. Something you enjoy now, find meaning in now, find fulfillment in now, find attractive now, find disgusting now, may not be later because of the people we experience life with in the present moment. In Psychology Today’s article, Breakups as Breakthroughs, Melissa Kirk observes that though we grow through relationships, these lessons of growth can keep us from adding more unnecessary trauma or regret in the future. But I wonder how spectacular the relational experience could be if we had more self aware partners?
3. Shame is a bitch.
- I know I know, I used the “b” word. 😱 Hear me out, when God made humanity, He made and placed them in a world without shame. Shame is the felt sense diminished social standing in the eyes of the people we care about the most. Shame is a voice that whispers, “you’re not good enough”. Shame comes with a felt sense and desire to “hide”, run away from, avoid, and even leave the people we feel ashamed to be in their presence. Curt Thompson, in his book, The Soul of Shame, argues shame not only disconnects of from other people with the desire to hide or avoid relationships, but shame also disconnects us from ourselves.
o Thompson highlights the brain’s plasticity, (the brain’s capability of creating new neural networks), also gives opportunities to shape and mold the brain throughout the human lifespan. What does that mean? I’m glad you asked…
It means that people can change the way their brains have been wired from early childhood or young adult experiences through newly made neural networks. Guess how new neural pathways being, grow, and pave the way for potential new behavior or thought life? That’s right, from the relationships and experiences that shame has begun taking away.
Shame is a bitch.
“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God moving about in the orchard at the breezy time of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the orchard.” – Genesis 3:8 (NET)
Photo Credit: Soroush ✊🏽
-j
