Failure to Care

I recently got out of the ER, it’s been a long week.

You hear it all the time, “Take care of yourself.”

Generally, we hear something like this when we say goodbye to someone we care about, or when someone perceives we might be in some sort of danger or risk, and at times it’s in the context of health and wellness. After a recent trip to the ER, I’ve heard this phrase more recently, yet most of its practicality still evades me. Huge bummer… lol.

Why is it so difficult to all of a sudden, “care”? I think a helpful place to begin answering this question is from a history of recorded observations of thriving, and even a failure to thrive as human beings.

Two brief Observations over Thriving infants

In the late 1800’s and early 1900’s, Emmet Holt was the first physician to reference and describe a sense of infantile wasting and malnutrition. In the late 1960’s, the concept of “failure to thrive” was expanded to include not only malnutrition but aspects of the psychosocial (Psychological and Sociological). There was a set of newborns that were given access to food and water. Another set of newborns that were given access to food, water, and a mother’s presence. What the doctor’s found in the 1960’s was that babies that were solely given basic needs of food and water didn’t thrive or grow healthily as much as other infants that had the nurturing and warmth of another’s presence.

This continued to corroborate what other psychologist have been writing about since the 40’s and 50’s; In his ground breaking research submission, Maternal Care and Mental Health, to the World Health Organization in 1950, John Bowlby asserted, “The infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with (any consistent primary caregiver) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment.” He argued an infant’s mental and emotional flourishing was contingent on a continuous or permanent warm relationship. Bowlby saw more infants and young toddlers unable to emotionally adapt, unable to communicate feelings, and more defiant and reckless.

What does this observation show us?

Maybe the reason why we propagate ineffective quick fixes like a “day off” or “Netflix and veg” or “getting our nails done today” is because we may not understand the underlying issue. We see self-care or taking care of yourself as a break from routine instead the routine itself? These studies implicate something I’ve missed for years:

Self-care isn’t something I necessarily do; it’s a way I choose to live.

Taking care, or self-care, is a learned, experiential philosophy.

For many of us, we didn’t learn the importance of living a life that cares for yourself.

That is where I land, but when you’re a minority, you likely don’t have time to live this way. Or maybe you didn’t have a chance to learn to live this way by having a permanent care giver due to divorce, death, or drugs your family experienced? Many of my friends that are minorities are hustling, seeking to achieve an opportunity they may not get simply because of the color of their skin, so they put in extra hours, they take on a “mamba mentality” of working hard until there’s nothing left. But that’s the thing, there’s nothing left.

Selfcare & Christianity

I recently met with my doctor, and all my friends that were asking and texting and wondering how I was doing after my recent trip to the ER received the same message…

“…Guys – I got this doctor, she’s super motivated, she’s invested, I’m encouraged by her, she has a plan and a vision, and wants to meet with my weekly to figure this out…”

I realized that I was more encouraged to care when someone cared with me. More able to care for my “self-care” when someone helped me understand through an experience of how and why to care for yourself. I realize much of my apathy to live a life that cares about myself is impacted by the absence of someone else’s eyes helping me experience caring for myself.

Though we will have moments when we need to choose taking care of ourselves, I hope this challenges us reorient ourselves to a life of caring about ourselves. Maybe then, we will treat each other like Jesus has asked us to, “…you shall love your neighbor as yourself…” (Matt 23)

The beauty about Christianity is that once you’ve placed your faith in Jesus as someone who has died for your sinfulness (imperfections and breaking God’s law), you receive God the Father, the perfect caregiver. The One that never leaves and is always looking into your eyes. The Father, who is a permanent and continuous, warm, nurturing, and present caregiver, with whom you can experience how valuable and worth taking care of.

-j