Being Seen in Suffering

In Curt Thompson’s book, The Deepest Place, he leads his readers to understand how people can form hope in the midst of suffering. His purpose is to address how people form embedded, durable hope, not only in the presence of our pain, but as a direct result of it (Thompson, 2023).

This is an incredibly positive perspective, I know.

This morning, I was catching up on further updates covering the devasting events in south Texas, the floods. I preached this weekend and something that impacted me in my studying is this:

Everyone that lives life apart from faith in Jesus are left to their own strength, knowledge, wisdom, and devices to navigate life with. Why is that so wrong?

Do humans have all the answers to the suffering we will experience?

Do we have control over life and death? Maybe to some extent, but it doesn’t last, why?

The truth is, we don’t last. We end.

We eventually live long enough to see life leave.

Life leaves the people we want good for.

Life leaves the people we cherish and adore.

Life leaves the people that took care of us,

the people that held us when we cried or had a bad dream,

the people that have their own story of suffering.

Life leaves the people we would give our lives for.

Life leaves the people we want to win in life.

Life eventually leaves us in our own story.

This is a suffering I’m still observing in my own life of those I deeply love.

Is it possible to not just endure suffering? Not just to say that we “got through” life, but to say that we are still winning and will continue to win in life in the midst of ongoing pain?

I’d like to point to 4 S’s Thompson described that develop secure relational attachment. He rightly tells his readers that he doesn’t promise that we will suffer less, but that we have the opportunity to suffer differently, and this happens within safely and healthy relating.

Whether an adult who’s wanting to make changes with how they relate in their relationships, or seeking more resources on how to equip your children to navigate the world of suffering they will continue growing up in, these 4 S’s will be helpful! Let’s begin with the first S, being seen.

What does it mean to be seen?

According to Dr. Dan Siegel, a prominent researcher and UCLA’s distinguished clinical psychiatry professor, being seen is about a few characteristics:

Attuning to people’s internal mental state in a meaningful way. Attunement is better understood as “tracking” with someone.

If you are in front of a rollercoaster and are watching the “car” roll on up…..then on down…….then back wayyyyyy up……and pause at. The. Top. You are technically participating in an aspect of attunement in the sense of observation and specifically focusing on where and how fast the car on the roller coaster is moving. However, when you are tracking by observing AND begin to put yourself in the shoes of the people on the roller coaster, or seek to sense what the people in the “car” are feeling as they are screaming “I think I made a mistake!!! Mommmmaaaaaaaa!!!” or “Lord, Jesus, I DON’T WANNAAA DIIIIEEE!”  😅

 You are now experiencing attunement in a more wholistic sense.

To exercise attunement to its fullest potential: If your partner begins to cry in front of you because of an event, put everything away/down to observe, to track, to see what’s occurring for them. Is there head down? What’s happening to their body? Are they tightening their fists? Etc. Then seek to understand what they might be sensing and feeling and why. This is when we begin to see their situation through their eyes, to feel what they could be feeling. This begins with pausing and just being present in their presence. It could lead to a physical sense of touch by holding them.

In the ground breaking book, Attached., Authors Levine and Heller pointed towards research that proved the following:

People who were experiencing a physical or anticipated pain felt less of the pain when they were holding the hand of a significant other than those that experienced a physical or anticipated pain by themselves (Attached. 2012).

Dr. Siegel and & Dr.Bryson defines that given a sense of feeling seen is coming to understand their inner life and responding to what we see in a timely and effective manner. This leads to a life changing moment of “feeling felt.”

In my coaching with couples, one thing has come up over and over again; we don’t slow the conversation down enough to lovingly give our partners this life changing experience.

In relationships people consistently ask questions like, “do you understand how I’m feeling?....do you know what it feels like?.....do you know why I would feel this way?....”

Now you have something to provide a difference experience. One that they can feel. One that they can someday give to someone else when suffering itself due to a broken world and broken people.

-j