Being Safe in Suffering
The more he tried to protect her from all the events that happened the other night, the angrier she became. He believed that by removing some of the details of where he went with his friends, he would keep them from fighting the same fight they’ve had for the last year. She slowly leaned over on the couch they were sitting on; she turned her face to the bottom of the coffee table they were in front of. There was a long silence, fragile lungs began to fill up with quick breaths and broken exhales, her heart was escaping her body, running away for any sense of safety.
It’s shocking how many of us react or respond in life simply seeking answers to these 2 paramount questions:
What do I mean to you?
Can I trust you?
Restorative therapy bases its methodology on two aspects needed for human flourishing: love and trust.
Many of our experiences seek to address these fundamental needs. I’ve seen all of us along the way get distracted and ultimately confused with the people we want to be in relationship with solely because we may not have the understanding and language to communicate the suffering inside.
In the book, The Deepest Place, Thompson gives some definitions that will be helpful in navigating this discussion of finding safety within suffering.
- Pain refers to the physically or emotionally sensed state of discomfort.
- Suffering alludes to the endurance of pain that one undergoes over time, especially pain that is particularly painful.
Pain points to the discomfort, while suffering asks, “how long must it be this way?”
I think all of us have, are asking, or will ask in the future this question. In Romans chapter 8, Paul writes we are not the only ones that are enduring a prolonged period of pain, but the whole world is. Ever since our first parents broke God’s trust and His heart in Eden, suffering continued to break through in creation; everything hurts these days.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
In our podcast series, we’ve been discussing how shame broke into the stories of Adam, Even, and Cain. When someone experiences shame, being known feels unsafe.
Adam, Eve, & Cain all felt unsafe and were seeking to answer fundamental questions: who am I to you? & Can I trust you?
Adam and Eve didn’t trust each other; we know in their responses and confessions of disobedience. We can also observe that Cain struggled with answering those two questions as well:
Here is somewhat of a paraphrase/transliteration:
- My punishment is greater than I can bear…
o I’m going to have to hide from your face (wrestling with who he is to God)
o Whoever finds me will kill me (wrestling with a lifetime of physical threat)
There are three aspects of safety within every and any relationship, let’s define what they are and continue engaging with Dr. Siegel’s and Bryson 4 S’s of Showing Up Paradigm.
Physical safety – I feel physically safe and am not physically threatened by my partner
Emotional safety – I feel safe in sharing my emotions and believe my partner will not take what I say about my emotions personally
Commitment Safety – I feel safe in believing there is room mistakes in my relationship without my partner leaving me at the first sign of conflict
———————————————————————————————————————————-
When we are suffering, enduring prolonged discomfort and pain, let us remember that we all need to feel safe. At times, that might be providing a physically safe presence or area for someone to become calm, other times it might require being a safe listener that graciously lends their ear to someone who has burdens too heavy to carry alone. Lastly, we need to consider communicating commitment safety.
Why does affirming one’s commitment so important when suffering?
A bitterness a disconnected world can offer is the felt sense of being alone; but empathy is a way back to connection. Empathy is feeling with others, it gives people the opportunity of felt safety with those that are hurting.
According to The Power of Showing Up, the 4 S’s provide a framework, helping those come through for people they love and care for.
Safe.
Seen.Soothed.Secured.To pursue feeling safe in suffering, I’d like to reference Dr. Siegel and Bryson with the following:
- Make a commitment that you won’t be the source of fear in the relationship
- When there is a rupture, disconnection, or fight, REPAIR, REPAIR, REPAIR!
Repairing is the process of acknowledging and taking responsibility for our contribution to the disconnection we are experiencing (more on this later).
Safety in a relationship is the work we put in so our partners may know we are trustworthy. When enduring suffering, people seek to feel and believe they can trust someone.
They can trust someone with their presence, trust them with their emotions and vulnerability, and trust them to stay. In seeking to practice these virtues, we become a beautiful resemblance of the God who sees, is near, and stays, even in the harshest of days.
-j
